Four years ago I fell for someone. A connection glued by humor, conversation, morals, and genuine likeness for each other. I had been in similar situations but this time the feelings were different.
Truth be told, I had never been open to giving away parts of me I believed were sacred. A mask was being worn that was impossible to remove. I knowingly avoided being vocal about how I felt because that would seem as if I cared. Caring was a weakness. My weaknesses could be used against me.
Some kind of thought process.
I didn’t like the idea of letting myself go and letting others in. Then it happened. Everything that I stood against in the last relationship, I fell for in this situation. . . or so I thought. I became more comfortable, more willing, and more involved. The attraction seemed right.
After a few short months, it ended.
And there I was – not exactly in love but confusingly captivated by this experience. Was it possible that I let my hard exterior break to allow vulnerability inside? Without a doubt. And for that, I was ashamed.
How did I let said person reveal emotions that were purposely deactivated?
Dating has been nonexistent since. Other things have pulled my attention away from the merest desire to connect with someone else. First, it was finishing school. Now it’s building a career. Plus, no one has put forth an honest effort to hold my interest. Thankfully. I’m not ready
Tamia’s Almost still sends me up a wall with every listen because it is a reminder of what could’ve been and what isn’t.
I hate that.
Let me make this a little bit clearer. No, I’m not immersed in disappointment. No, I don’t want that old thing back. We were good, just not good enough. Maybe there’s a better version of him that’ll be given to the current or next.
I was told that heartbreak is the result of when you surrender your all, but somehow in the midst it diminishes. This was my “feeling break.” All of my built up walls of weaknesses were used against me. I was upset. At the end, I distanced myself from a friend – physically, mentally, emotionally. A hopeless romantic who was truly left hopeless.
A few months back I saw a post on social media. “We all start as strangers and sometimes end that way too,” it read.
I hate that.
The concept of letting someone close enough to possibly grow into love is still one I am learning. I have been steering far away from it. Although my vulnerability brought much depth and understanding at the time, it also constructed even higher insusceptible walls.
One day I will stop running. But for now, this marathon is not over.